Love and Legacy: What Couples Rarely Talk About (But Should)

Key Summary

• While financial conflict doesn't automatically doom a relationship, unresolved and persistent money disputes can significantly hinder a couple's growth and intimacy, underscoring the importance of effective money management and conflict resolution.
• Achieving a shared vision for the future, particularly retirement, is crucial, requiring open communication and compromise to ensure financial decisions align with mutual goals, rather than one partner dominating financial management without the other's full awareness or input.
• Supporting adult children financially necessitates a united front between partners, prioritizing their own financial security before offering assistance, and engaging in clear, rational discussions about the extent and nature of that support to avoid future complications.

Financial conflict isn't a guarantee of marital dissatisfaction, but when it's pervasive and goes unresolved, it can be a limiting factor in a relationship's growth.

Effective money management and conflict resolution are a winning combination for financial intimacy, according to a 2023 study published in the Journal of Family and Economic Issues.

The Power of a Shared Future

It's likely you already have a vision of what your ideal retirement will look like, and maybe you've already taken some steps to get there. But what does your partner's ideal retirement look like? In their mind, they might envision buying an acreage full of rescue dogs.

If your ideal retirement looks more like a condo in a downtown high-rise building, there needs to be an open conversation and some compromise between you and your partner.

It's far easier to plan for the future when partners have a shared vision, and both agree to work toward that vision. When the vision is agreed upon, every financial decision forward should be approached by asking, "Does this bring us closer to our shared future?"

You may discover that you have different retirement timelines in mind, with one of you assuming you'll retire as early as possible, while the other person assumes you'll both capitalize on your working years to build up more retirement savings for as long as possible.

Have a frank conversation with your partner that starts with the question, "What does the next 10 years look like for both of us?" From there, explore the future to discover a shared goal you can work toward together.

Financially Equal Vs Emotionally Unequal

Many couples fall into a pattern in which one person manages the money while the other doesn't get involved in finances. While this isn't always a control tactic and is more often simply a matter of one person being "better with money" than the other, it can be a dangerous situation.

It's difficult to have a successful financial partnership when only one person is aware of the finances. And when only one person manages the money and is unaware of the other person's future desires, it becomes a breeding ground for issues.

If one person enjoys managing the finances while the other person detests money management, it's fine for one person to take the lead as long as:

• Both people agree with the arrangement
• Both people are aware of what's going on with their shared finances
• Both people have discussed their shared goals and agree on the steps they'll take to reach those goals

Transparency and communication are keys to successful relationships, especially when it comes to finances. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about where your finances stand today, where you want them to be and how you can both be involved in managing the finances going forward.

Supporting Adult Kids Without Sacrifice

If you've ever traveled on an airplane, you know that you're advised to put your own oxygen mask before helping your child with theirs. It's the same with helping your kids financially; you need to help yourself before you can help them.

Helping kids with college costs, wedding expenses, the down payment for a house, or any other expenses may feel like the right thing to do, but when it cuts into your retirement savings, it can be detrimental to everyone.

If you head into retirement without sufficient savings, courtesy of your generosity toward your kids, it may mean your kids need to chip in to keep you afloat.

Instead, reach an agreement with your partner about the level of support you'll provide your kids. Both partners should agree about the level of support you'll provide and whether it's a gift or a loan with the expectation of repayment.

Supporting kids (or compelling them to stand on their own two feet) can be an emotionally charged conversation for parents. Prepare for a rational, open conversation with your partner so you can reach an agreement before your kids start asking for financial help.

Set the precedent early so your kids know what to expect, too. A young adult preparing to apply to college will likely approach opening that next chapter very differently depending on whether their parents are financing their education or they are expected to pay their own way.

For that reason, both parents should be on the same page and maintain open communication not just with each other but also with their child.

The Legacy Talk You're Avoiding

Talking about wills, trusts, and beneficiary designations may feel like the furthest thing from romance, but the truth is that these important discussions are a necessary part of living life together. Though talking about estate planning can be uncomfortable, avoiding the topic can lead to chaos.

Beyond avoiding chaos, there are myriad benefits that can come with proper estate planning. Potentially reducing tax obligations and preparing a seamless transition of assets can be a love letter in disguise. It's a way of demonstrating care even after you're gone.

It boils down to giving one another the gift of clarity. Death is inevitable and brings with it complicated feelings. The emotional turmoil that comes with losing a loved one is exponentially worse when it's accompanied by the stress that accompanies uncertainty and confusion about how to deal with finances that were never discussed.

Open communication and mutual respect can go a long way in any relationship, especially when it comes to finances.

Work together as a team to determine your mutual goals and the pathway to reaching and exceeding them for a joyful relationship long into the future.